It's not a crown it's a tiara, I swear!
Home | Princess | Friends | Buffy Speak | Movies | TV | Random | Literature/Poetry | Roller Coaster Theory | The Uber Bitch Theory | Exploits of the Black-Hood Gang | How To Get A Guy | The Drunk Russians | The Family | Phrases | Car Games | Links
The B. Dalton Crew

I worked at B. Dalton for over two years and have never had more fun at any job in my entire "career". Some of these are from stupid customers who have no place being out in society among us, Sarah L. is just plain mean, Tom is a big goofball, and everyone else was just silly. Not to mention our sense of humor was a little 'different'. That's what happens when you're with the books for too long, they start talking to you....

Lost Gems - I found these when I was going through some old papers and stuff from work.
 
Stop messing up my mess! - Tom (April, 01)
 
And then there's Bush, who's like this little autistic monkey - Sarah L. (6-2-01)
 
I've never seen a real live mullet before! - me (6-2-01)
 
I'm a traitor to my people - Sarah L (6-2-01)
 
God probably had dandruff - SL (6-2-01)
 
See, that's the thing. You have to think of your impact on the stupid people - SL (6-2-01)
 
I invented that too you know, back when I was a zy gote - SL (8-18-01)
 
She was a spineless, insipid creature - SL  (8-18-01)
 
He's just abi-polar, co-dependant freak - SL (8-18-01)
 
My allergies are bothering me extremely very much bad, yeah - SL (8-18-01)
 
Why don't you just write to them and tell them you'll give them $12 to live in your dorm room? - SL (8-18-01)
 
Aw thanks, I was just saying to myself I need more nonsense - SL (6-30-01)
 
Well he can't carry a purse - SL (6-30-01)
 
Well if I carried a purse I'd be gay - Tom (6-30-01)
 
You were born in 3. You're almost as old as Jesus - SL (7-28-01)
 
That would be Tim on crack - SL  (8-18-01)
 
The Crew:
Sarah L - Our manager and fearless leader who was hilarious and cranky at the same time
I'm bonding with my inner bitch (3-24-01)
 
This is like a terrifyingly underbudget McGyver (4-24-01)
 
You have to loooooooove the customers. You want to maaarrrrryyyyyy them
(12-21-02)
 
We're a full-service joint here (12-21-02)
 
I told you to be careful you idiot! (12-21-02)
 
I'm just one big hunk of crabbiness (12-21-02)
 
Half the crap I say is awful (12-21-02)
 
You're not gay enough to use French words, Tom (12-21-02)
 
My price is high for a reason. I may be a book whore but I'm not a cheap book whore (12-21-02)
 
Tom, your food is ready, stop humping the door (12-21-02)
 
...And I'm like, 'Dude, I'm just a dumb monkey' (12-21-02)
 
Oh yeah! Well if I wasn't so stupid, you'd look pretty dumb, wouldn't you?!
(12-21-02)
 
They have state funded homes for people like you (12-21-02)
 
Let go of it you one-man freak parade! (12-21-02)
 
Nice girls don't traffic your part of town, Tom (12-21-02)
 
The best whorin' hours are in the morning (12-21-02)
 
You're just like Milli Vanilli only not as plural (12-22-02)
 
Tim had a one-track mind, big ol' Star Trek geek that he was (12-22-02)
 
Jamie: Holy cow, they're all falling!
Sarah L: Well it certainly can't be because the display is a peice of crap. Because that's some study cardboard (12-22-02)
 
I'd like to teach them a new game called 'Kick the Customer's Ass' (12-22-02)
 
Here we are saying he looks like a football player and there's Sarah going 'He's so pretty' (12-22-02)
 
She likes the sissies and the pretty boys. The cardboard ones (12-22-02)
 
I don't think you can call him your boy when your sole relationship is just macking on each other's face (12-22-02)
 
I used to be in ballet. Now I'm graceful like a punk-ass drunk monkey (12-22-02)
 
I should be heavily medicated (12-22-02)
 
He probably sleeps cocooned in a flag, and not the stars and stripes, either
(12-24-02)
 
I think you should put your initials on it and then write 'big box of sucking fun'
(12-24-02)
 
Need the Heimlich? Cuz I could smack you real hard (12-24-02)
 
I feel like I run a daycare for special needs kids (12-24-02)
 
See, this is what happens when kids get famous. No one tells them, 'Keep it in your pants you long haired pansy' (1-3-03)
 
Jamie: What's with Sarah's initials?
Sarah L: Well, Sarah Mueller...and her middle name's Nikole.
Jamie: SNM. S & M? What does that stand for?
Sarah L: Actually I don't know. Smutty dirty sex of some kind (18-03)
 
Thomas/Tom/Monkey Boy - Asst manager (who is younger than me btw). I have no idea why they trusted that weirdo with a store key
I like Nurse Pepper (12-21-02)
 
Then he sat down behind the counter and I'm like, 'Whoa buddy, you gotta be wearing an apron to do that. You have to be proefessional to lounge with us'
(12-21-02)
 
I'm the mop bitch (12-21-02)
 
Sarah L: Tom, there's something wrong with your hearing
Tom: Huh? (12-23-02)
 
Thomas: I just got attacked by a doughnut
Sarah L: And you flinched, Tom (12-23-02)
 
Me: How do you spell 'heimlich'?
Thomas: I don't know, ZZ Top? (12-24-02)
 
If receipt juggling was an Olympic sport I'd win the gold medal (12-24-02)
 
Thomas: They were swearing and talking about computer stuff
Sarah L: So they were like gangsta geeks (12-27-02)
 
Redrum...redrum...re-*cough*-cough* (12-27-02)
 
Me: Jay Jay the Jet Plane
Thomas: I'll Jay Jay YOUR jet plane (12-27-02)
 
You want me to shut this bitch up? (12-27-02)
 
But it's Freda. She only laughs when someone gets hurt (12-30-02)
 
Me: That's what you get for having long dangly arms
Thomas: I have monkey arms (12-30-02)
 
I'm going to go open this God-forsaken place for the one customer who wants to buy a book (12-30-02)
 
Why do we have so many books by someone I've never heard of? (12-30-02)
 
Me: Peter Hamill..Hey, isn't that the guy...
Thomas: No, it's not
Me: Oh, I was thinking of Dorothy Hamill, the skater
Thomas: Oh, I thought you meant the Star Wars guys
Me: Mark Hamill (12-30-02)
 
Thomas: 'Oh my God he's super cute'
Me: What, I can't help it that I like boys, would you rather me like girls?...Oh wait, you're a guy.
Thomas: Yeah, be like me (12-30-02)
 
Is 'spazzing at Thomas' on the list? No, so she shouldn't be doing that (1-2-03)
 
I'll leave this for Sarah (L.) in the back because that's what she gets when she's not here, a big pile of shit (1-2-03)
 
Sarah L: I didn't do it
Thomas: Suuuuure you didn't
Sarah L: I didn't. My doppelganger did it
Thomas: (confused)
Sarah L: Didn't you take German?
Thomas: Yeah, for four years
Sarah L: (confused)
Thomas: You didn't ask me if I learned any German (1-7-03)
 
I can't believe we spent an hour in a box - with our manager on duty (1-7-03)
 
Me: We never gave the box a name
Thomas: What are you going to name it? It's a box
Me: It looked like a Mitzy (1-7-03)
 
Thomas: So...Mitzy, what's up?
Sarah L: Tom, you just hit on a box
Thomas: Second time today (1-8-03)
 
Mitzy and I are going to get married and have cardboard children (1-8-03)
 
Hello, my name is Thomas, I'll be your book slut for the night (1-8-03)
 
Jamie: Hey Sarah I like your purse
Sarah L: Thanks, I got it on clearance
Thomas: I got my purse on clearance
Sarah L: But your purse is pink. I don't wear pink
Thomas: Neither do I, pink clashes with my eyes
Sarah L: Your eyes are blue you monkey
Thomas: My eyes are green you monkey
Sarah L: But they're bluer than your shirt
Thomas: But they're greener than this blue (1-8-03)
 
Alison, Betsy, Jamie, Drew, me - Good little worker bees
My insides are eating my outsides, aaaauuuuuggggghhhhh! - Alison (12-24-01)
 
My flowers are rare! I wanted them well-done! - Alison (12-24-01)
 
You can either shop here and be openly mocked to your face, or you can go to Barnes and Noble and never once see a single bookseller - Me (12-21-02)
 
We help customers, but if you're being an idiot we'll tell you to your face - Betsy (12-21-02)
 
Sarah L: Don't tear the aprons, they're expensive!
Drew: And don't worry about hurting Tom (12-21-02)
 
I'm sure there have been worse things done in front of customers than the blinding of an employee - Drew (12-21-02)
 
Have you ever noticed how when Thomas laughs, he wrinkles up like an old man - Betsy (12-21-02)
 
Sarah L: Do you like the new name tags?
Me: Yeah, they're pretty and not all plain-looking
Thomas: But mine says 'senior bookseller'
Me: But I can still beat you up
Thomas: ...I know (12-21-02)
 
It's not store policy to hit me with s stick - me (12-21-02)
 
I feel like I'm on a trampoline. That's why I'm standing way over here - Jamie
(12-22-02)
 
Yeah we have some shrub books (12-22-02)
 
Jamie: Remember the old nun?
Me: She looks like she should have been mummified a long time ago. I don't think Catholics get mummified though.
Jamie: She has an overbite! She does NOT look like she should be mummified (12-22-02)
 
That was more effort than it should have been - Jamie (12-22-02)
 
Sarah L: What was that movie with River Phoenix in a bubble ship?
Jamie: Some weird thing you conjured up in your head (12-22-02)
 
Me: He's so pretty
Sarah L: Like sissy cardboard boy pretty?
Me: No, pretty like I want to mack on his face (12-22-02)
 
Me: Will you go find this book?
Jamie: Sure I'll be your bitch (12-22-02)
 
Jamie: 'Life's Lessons For Mothers'. Hey, that could be mean
Sarah L: No, if it were mean the first page would say, "Should have bought condoms" (12-22-02)
 
There is nothing wrong with macking. It is a very valid past-time. Besides, have you even SEEN him? - Sarah (12-23-02)
 
Sarah L: There's only one left. And everyone told me I was crazy when I ordered those.
Me: I don't think that's why they told you you're crazy (12-24-02)
 
It felt deformed - me (12-26-02)
 
I don't remember any multi-colored people from your class- me (12-26-02)
 
Funny how that's neither freshwater, nor a fish - Betsy (12-26-02)
 
I'm like, 'Okay lady, why are you so crazy?' - Betsy (12-26-02)
 
XBOX parties are my favorite kind of parties...after the ones with the kegs - me (12-30-02)
 
Oh Tom, don't pretend you're working - me (12-30-02)
 
I like talking about people behind their backs because I know they do it to me - me (12-30-02)
 
If you hit me in the ass one more time I am going to kick you in the nuts, I swear to God - me (12-30-02)
 
Thomas: Did I tell you Mary Jo came in the other morning?
Sarah L: As opposed to what morning when she didn't come in?
Thomas: Yeah...she wanted some boxes. She took the two smallest ones.
Jamie: She came for boxes?
Sarah L: Yeah, for the body parts
Jamie: She cuts people up?
Sarah L: Yeah, and puts them in her crawl space
Jamie: I'd get a big freezer
Sarah L: Like Jeffrey Dahmer had?
Jamie: He had a big freezer?
Sarah L: Yeah, he kept the heads in it
Jamie: Wow, I'd just save the toes
Thomas: How'd we go from Mary Jo to saving peoples toes?
Jamie: Sarah's sick-minded influence
Thomas: Oh, yeah (1-8-03)
 
Customers - Normal and otherwise
I'm looking for a book. It's blue. I saw it on the radio. Where's your blue section?
 
Will this (B. Dalton gift card) work at Menards too?
 
I just need a $20 gift card. Then you can get back on the floor and do whatever you need to do
 
Where are you guys, you fucking guys (12-26-02)

Enter supporting content here