Teetzen
...And Ken gets 'Ass of the Year' award (3-12-03)
But I'm way cooler than you are, Ken (3-26-03)
Who the hell are you now, Martha Stewart? (3-26-03)
Oh, this is war, the Geneva Convention doesn't apply here (3-26-03)
Just spend $50 on a quick up-do (4-2-03)
How exactly do you have sex with a storm? (4-30-03)
Where are you going? Put your keys down, you're not done with your education yet
(4-30-03)
Wait, Ken and Jen had sex and you were the result? Oh God... (9-1-03)
Okay, what can you do Mr. I-Have-A-Penis? (9-25-03)
Next time you ask for help I am going to slam the door in your face and do something
really mean that I can't think of right now. (9-25-03) (The rest of the quote has been edited for content)
My face would look like too if I didn't moisturize too. Or maybe hes just ugly
(10-4-03)
Then what's the Sugar Bowl, jackass? (10-5-03)
Me: He's never called me a bitch before.
Teetzen: Becky's been training him (10-5-03)
If a girl ever wanted to attract me, all she would have to do is wear detergent
(10-10-03)
God, I just wanna like, rub it all over (10-11-03)
Just because I have an obsession with laundry detergent and dish soap doesn't mean
I'm a bad person (10-11-03)
I am not a cock-sharer (10-14-03)
What am I gonna use a condom for, to wrap around my finger? (10-14-03)
Me: You're such a Sagitterius
Knapp: I'm an Aries
Teetzen: More like an A-Hole (10-14-03)
See Brittany, that's the beauty of dating me, no risk of pregnancy or STDs (10-14-03)
Hey, I keep Brittany on call to make-out, not to be friendly to her (10-14-03)
I might have passed Ken as the bus driver to hell (10-14-03)
Me: Your face is red
Teetzen: And you're a whore (10-14-03)
Teetzen: Becky just fucked you
Me: What?! (10-26-03)
I may not have a penis but he has no balls (10-30-03)
I know it's every womans fantasy to make out in a pool of laundry detergent (11-2-03)
Tom Rice and I enjoy each other (11-7-03)
You do not need permission of the girl you are going to make-out or have sex with
(11-8-03)
Oh God, Brittany will never fuck me now (11-8-03)
She reminds me of me, without the vagina and breasts of course. And add a penis
(11-8-03)
Okay, I just lost my libido (12-5-03)
And just so you know, I'm still heterosexual (12-5-03)
Teetzen: I'll be right back
Me: NO!
Teetzen: What do you want to come pee with me? Group activity,
it'll be fuuuuun (12-5-03)
Me: (laughing) Easy Mac
Teetzen: More like Easy Me (12-5-03)
You're Joseph, not Jesus (12-5-03)
It's one thing to say I don't have a penis, it's another to call me gay (12-5-03)
Okay, those two are homosexuals. Especially the chef (12-5-03)
Oh my God, what are you doing between his legs? (12-5-03)
Stoned Jesus rules! Well he does...I'm going straight to Hell (12-5-03)
Me: You need a girl so we can go on double-dates
Teetzen: Oh God...
Me: What, Adam and I are cute.
Teetzen: I feel like I'm already dating Adam (12-5-03)
Wasting detergent is like throwing away small children (12-13-03)
Our testicles have to work overtime (12-13-03)
Me: I really should get over my penis-phobia, huh?
Teetzen: Yeah, just think of it as an arm or a leg
Me: But they don't shoot stuff
(Long pause, Teetzen laughing uncontrollably)
Teetzen: Okay, think of it as a nose then (12-13-03)
Yes, I'm using the penis to floss (12-13-03)
Me: Did the penis chip a tooth?
Teetzen: No, it stabbed me...ow (12-13-03)
Teetzen: He likes to be called Andrea (On-dray-a)
Me: Is he gay?
Teetzen: No, he's black (12-13-03)
Me: See, what would you do without me?
Teetzen: I'd still get things done, just not as fast (12-13-03)
See, I'm not even that horny tonight and I just feel like acting like it (12-13-03)
Oh God, Ken's going to have sex on my birthday (12-14-03)
Oh yes, it's hard (12-16-03)
Why doesn't he just call it sexual intercourse where a penis is thrusting into
a vagina (12-16-03)
I said my finger tastes good, not that semen spilled out of my condom onto
the floor (1-11-04)
Wow. Not interested. (1-11-04) (Said while unintentionally making a gesture that
you will have to ask me about because it is not appropriate for this page)
Me: You're invading my personal bubble
Teetzen: Doesn't sexual penetration invade your personal bubble?
(1-11-04)
You're the Jesus of bitches (1-20-04)
Wow, you're banana is really straight (1-20-04)
Me: Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Teetzen: And frustration turns me into an asshole (2-2-04)
If I can't do that then you have to put your ass away (2-12-04)
Good sex is always followed by laughter (2-13-04)
Teetz: Do you have a screwdriver?
Britt: No
Teetz: Well, we'll just have to screw then (2-20-04)
Oh geez, I am so buzzed, I am out of my damn mind (2-20-04)
Me: You can go sit by her and take a nap.
Teetzen: Awesome. I can keep her warm and she can keep me cold
(2-20-04)
I've always had the urge to pee on a stick (2-27-04)
Cut him some slack, he's homosexual (3-1-04)
Your 'To have sex with" list is already booked (3-1-04)
Teetzen: My list is a lot longer than that.
Me: Name them.
Teetzen: Women.
Me: No, I know that, I mean name them.
Teetzen: No, that's the list (3-1-04)
You know how most people have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other?
I just have you. The angel left because you were too powerful. And you spat on it (3-3-04)
My tongue sucks ass (4-1-04)
Okay, he did not have Botox done, that was just a rumor. It's not a rumor that
Bush is an autistic monkey, I think we all know that one is true (4-2-04)
Can you imagine them during sex? 'Oh my God, pull my hair...' Oh wait, who's talking
(4-2-04)
Boobs should bounce (4-2-04)
I was going to hack into Sarah's computer and delete some of her illigally
downloaded music, but I was met with a big picture of her saying, "You can't do that bitch." (4-12-04)
Yeah, more like "I want to cry because naked long-haired man was swaying to the
music" (4-16-04)
What a great relationship - how can I make you feel like shit today (5-2-04)
People getting murdered in unrealistic fashion is funny (5-2-04)
Me: Am I intimidating?
Teetz: Yes.
Me: No, serisouly.
Teetz: Yes, if we don't do what you want we're afraid you're going
to kill us. (5-3-04)
(Looks menacing holding a rule and glaring) (Hits self in face
with ruler) Owww...(Not so menacing now) (5-3-04)
Sarah, remember how we talked about using our indoor voices and indoor attitudes?
(5-3-04)
You know what else is hott? Doing drugs...Sorry, I'm not sure where that came from (9-4-04)
I'd put it in your mouth myself, but I'd have to wear protection (9-8-04)
Shove it in your mouth, you'll like it (9-8-04)
I'm putting on gloves because I'm afraid you'll bite me (9-8-04)
I've got a little extra on the end just for fun (9-9-04)
Tobin:...the Mormon
Teetz: Mormon, more like moron (9-10-04)
Sarah, do we have to have another talk about indoor conversations? (9-16-04)
Some day my testicles will descend (9-17-04)
Don't fuck my school, it fucks itself. Except me. I was the president
of everything so I never had sex (9-17-04)
Yes I know, I'm a 55 year old man (10-26-04)
Someday I'll get a real job and become a real boy (10-26-04)
Me: Well, Hell finally froze over
Teetz: So I'll get to have sex tomorrow? (10-27-04)
So now you do have ADD? Make up your mind - (10-31-04)
That's one woman who would never get in my pants, and that's a very short list (11-9-04)
Teetz: I'll call the cops and have you arrested.
Me: For what?
Teetz: (pause)...For bitchery (11-9-04)
Maybe I'm a-sexual (11-10-04)
I'm going to put this as gently as possible: You really are kind of a bitch (11-10-04)
Me: I could be your sister-in-law!
Teetz: Lets not joke about that sweetie. (11-22-04)
I don't think she's drunk a lot when they have sex, but I'd have to be (11-22-04)
I enjoy your company but I wish you would die (11-22-04)
Me: When are we getting married? If you don't propose to me in the next
five years I'm leaving you
Teetz: Oh...bye (11-22-04)
I only hate Adam because he steals you away from me (11-30-04)
Only if I beat you over the head with the ugly stick. Oh, too late (12-14-04)
It's an antibiotic. For my face. It's not working (12-14-04)
Me: You kinda have to know the basis of the religion first
Teetz: Not if you're Lutheran (1-19-05)
Me: I wouldn't care if it was purple, I'd adopt it
Teetz: I;d care. If it was purple that would mean it's dying (1-27-05)
I don't doubt you. If I doubt you, things get injured (1-27-05)
Teetz: ...And he's fat
Me: And he probably has no sperm.
Teetz: (pause) That did not weigh in my decision at all (1-27-05)
Sorry, I am incapable of comprehendable speech (2-6-05)
The fact that you want to kidney punch someone terrifies me more than the fact that I
might be a pedophile (2-11-05)
Wow. People are going to think A) we're having sex and B) I have a pet bird (2-16-05)
Me: I just want to be barefoot and pregnant the rest of my life
Teetz: No, you just want to have sex all the time (2-21-05)
Me: I don't think I could have sex for 29 days straight
Teetz: Oh I bet you cooo-uld (2-21-05)
That should be your motto: Sarah M******: I will be louder than you (2-21-05)
Teetz: That's going to be my mascot when I create my own university,
the University of Merle Cocksuckers
Me: What's your mascot gonna be?
Teetz: ??? (2-21-05)
(If you want to know the answer to this one, you're going to have to ask because it is
being heavily edited for name-usage)
Why do you have to start with babies? Why can't you just have sex? (2-21-05)
Stop punching me or I'll take your rectum (2-22-05)
Are you saying Tony Wilbrand gets more action than me? (2-22-05)
I'm bendable (2-25-05)
Me: My knees makes me orgasm
Teetz: I think everything makes you orgasm (2-25-05)
Why is butt sex used as a bad thing? I don't think I'm in favor of it but... (2-25-05)
Me: I'm not going to have sex with you
Teetz: Not even if it is lightning? (3-6-05)
And I officially just grew a vagina (3-21-05)
Me: Between my hair and your calves...
Teetz: We'd be one sexy she-male (3-21-05)
Me: He told me he loved me!
Teetz: I was trying to make her orgasm (3-24-05)
Me: I'm tired
Britt: Me too
Teetz: Wanna have a threesome? (3-24-05)
I have this horrible vision of Sarah surrounded by a bunch of velociraptors, doing a scene
from West Side Story (3-25-05)
(The following were quoted during a little session we like to call alcohol-binge time)
That's hilari...ous (3-25-05)
Drunk quotes are off limits! (3-25-05)
That whole light-headed thing went away and now I just feel like putting my head in your
boobs (3-25-05)
I shoot blanks (3-25-05)
Quoting when you're intoxicated is strictly off limits (3-25-05)
(watching season 1 of Doogie Howser on DVD)
Doogie Howser: There's something so feminine about her...
Teetz: Yeah, she has boobs and a box (3-25-05)
I think according to state law I'm intoxicated (3-25-05)
(end drunk quotes)
Me: Wow, your calves are really tickelish.
Teetz: Of course they are, my whole body is, it's not used to being touched
(3-28-05)
I don't like when sex almost sounds like a heart attack (4-12-05)
You'd be even more attractive if you weren't so conceited about it (4-12-05)
(listening to 'Love You Outloud' by Rascal Flatts)
Rascal Flatts: ...I've never been on to kiss and tell...
Me: I kiss and tell
Teetz: You fuck and tell (4-24-05)
You are so unemotional, it's like you have a penis (5-25-05)
Touch me again and you get fingered...in the eye (6-2-05)
We do not need to talk about me jizzing on your leg (6-10-05)
After work on Friday I kind of turn into a woman (6-24-05)
Duke is more effective than withdrawal (11-30-05)
Me: I can only have an orgasm if they win
Teetz: Oh God...GO DUKE! (11-30-05)
I like to see lesbians play sports (11-30-05)
I'd rather be deflowered by Monica Lewinsky (12-8-05) ...and ten bucks
if you can guess who he is talking about, ha ha ha...
She's bulemic?...Oh wait, she's pregnant. I'm an idiot (12-8-05)
Fast forward faster! (1-22-06)
What are you talking about, Brett Favre broke his thumb and his whole family died at the
same time! (1-22-06)
I care about chicken deeply, especially when they're deep fried (1-22-06)
How are people so retarded? It's like a whole bunch of Jenny Nelsons all together. Oh
look, there's Rachel the Jesus Lover (2-16-06)
Does he know he's gay yet? Cuz I think Mars knows(2-16-06)
55 year old boobs are my forte (2-16-06)
I like religion and stuff, but I don't feel the need to talk about it every day (2-16-06)
I'm going to Hell, aren't I? (2-16-06)
Nine Inch Nails ruined my life (2-18-06)
I'm not showing you my penile device right now (2-18-06)
No one can explode quite like you do (2-22-06)
Let's go to Spike's...someone talk to me... (3-19-06)
Alcohol comes to those who wait (7-11-06)
No, that's not the perfect world, that's a nightmare. You deserve
to be with someone who deserves you (7-28-06)
I don't want him marrying you and there's a better chance of that if
he marries someone else (7-28-06)
I LOVE women! YEAH! (9-3-06)
